omg..same…
well…i’ve been out to myself…
(Source: ftmconfessions, via ftmconfessions)
omg..same…
well…i’ve been out to myself…
(Source: ftmconfessions, via ftmconfessions)
I have been looking around our communities lately. I’ve been taking a long, hard look around when I’m out at my favorite queer-friendly restaurant or bar. I’ve been looking around at the online communities.
I have to tell you that I’ve been noticing a pattern. It’s a pattern of whiteness. I’ve…
I’m so stressed and I want to cry but I can’t because of the T.
The most I could manage was a few droplets and nothing more. Nothing to reflect the pain and confusion that I’m feeling from the huge workload that I have dropped on myself.
I just watched a french movie called Ma Vie En Rose
It forced me to reflect my childhood. I watched a small child struggle for just trying to be who they want to be. I saw the surpression. The anger of the child’s family. The confusion. The sadness. All I could think about was my own, and how I’ve always felt out of place, even now.
I hate how I have to curl up into balls and tell myself that everything is going to be alright. How can I ever be sure that anything will be alright? My life feels like a mess and I feel like I will never get a break. At times I want a genuine smile to come on my face in pure sober happiness. No more fuck it attitudes and silly videos in an attempt to make myself smile. No more!
I want to be free from this. Free from this college crap. Free from the bullshit with my mother. Free from life itself. God! If I could just die right now, I would die happy at the fact that it would all be over. I wouldn’t have to deal with the racism, sexism, and transphobia. I wouldn’t have to worry about coming out to my parents or worry about them finding out about my hormones. I wouldn’t have to be depressed over the fact that no one want to be in a relationship with me. I wouldn’t have to bitch and cry about the fact that I see myself as unattractive because of how I see my body. I wouldn’t have to ignore my body just so that I could try to be comfortable enough long enough to get surgery.
I hate all of this!
Now I’m just annoyed that I have to be a pussy about all of this. I just want to be stronger and brave. I want to be able to love myself for who I am and not be embarrassed or have to explain myself to other people. I don’t want to have to deal with other people’s stupidity because they say that they need a label for how I’m feeling, when I’m feeling it. I don’t like having to be bond by this bullshit anymore.
I just don’t know anymore…I don’t know why I even bother. It’s not like anyone is listening anyway. I’ll just go back to my hole any shut up now.
So today I had a rugby game. My school has it split into ‘girls’ and ‘boys’ so by default, I’m pushed onto the girls team because of my ‘appearance’ (I don’t think that really needed quotations but whatever)
With this being the case, there are some differences in the general nature of the team. Maybe it’s just my background but the ‘girls’ team is not as disciplined as I would like. Of course college is the last place to attempt to discipline anyone especially if most people are upper classed and white.
I suppose what I’m trying to get at is that I don’t feel comfortable on the team that I’m on and I’m suspecting that it is a gender thing. I just feel so separated from the team and I always have been. I don’t see myself as a cis-girl at all, so some of the things that they talk about make absolutly no sense to me.
I know that at some point I’ve had similar problems as a kid, and I always felt weird about it. I tried to relate to the other ‘girls’ but for some reason, no matter how happy I thought I was, I always felt out of place. An example would be when the girls would talk about relationships and what not and I would be so confused. I didn’t see the importance of acting a certain way to be involved with someone. I remember always feeling so stoic and uncomfortable in those conversations
At one point, when I came out as bisexual, I thought that I had found the answers to my odd behavior concerning conversations of of relationships. It turned out that when I was with lesbians and other bisexual cisgender girls, I still felt slightly out of place.
Part of me wants to say that it’s because I haven’t been with anyone and that is the reason for my stand offish behavior. Though, I have met other people who are in my situation and they haven’t complained about feeling out of place. It’s like I’ve been going through adolescence for 8 years and I’m still not done. Like, seriously, what the fuck.
Anyway (totally side tracked)…My main question at this question at this point is what the hell do I do? Do I not like rugby because it’s a girls team or because I don’t like the set up of the team. I know that I loved the team before. Because of that I felt I had something to fight for. We all moved together as a team and supported each other. There was not bitchy whining about people not showing up. We just said fuck it and played the game anyway.
Lately, when I’ve watched the ‘boys’ team, I’ve felt more of a sense of comfort. Some of the guys were assholes but they took the work on the team seriously. There were no side conversations; no bitchy attitudes. Just being there to do what you had to do. I respect that. I always have. With the girls, there is none of that. Just laid back shenanigans without any proper concentration.
The next thought would be to just join the ‘boys’ team, right? The thing is I don’t think that I would fit on that team. I don’t think that they would accept me for another player esp after seeing on the ‘girls’ team. I don’t even think that I would be able to keep up with them.
In anycase, I shouldn’t be frustrated with the ‘girls’ team and bring them down because of my own insecurities. There is nothing wrong with the team. I know that they work as hard as they can even with low numbers, but I don’t think that I can relate anymore. At least, there isn’t anyone that I can relate to on the team. As far as gender, class, and race go, there is almost no one who I can relate to. That in it of itself is a shame.
My only hope is that things work out in the end.
I have a lot of pictures that go month-by-month and year-by-year on my website, but I thought I’d post this quick picture up due to the increase in questions I’ve received about chest surgery and scars lately. I always say in regard to scars, look at how your body has healed from scars in the past…however those heal, will be an indicator on how your chest surgery scars will look over time as well.
-Ryan
Wow
(via neutrois)
It’s finally here! This is my ongoing list of gender terms, hopefully people like it and find it helpful. My plan is to update and add to this list as time goes on so check it out and tell me what you think! If you have a term you think ought to be…
For any of you who are interested, this is Dr. Daniel Medalie performing a double incision mastectomy. I would not recommend watching this if you are squeamish as it is pretty graphic. For those of you who find surgery interesting in all forms, this is fucking awesome!
Also, trigger warning or whatever I guess if you don’t like seeing breasts.
For a second I thought he was casually drawing circles on his chest with a knife but then I realized it was a pen whoops
So I’ve been around…Not really doing much….you know.
As transitioning goes, I don’t feel much movement. I feel like the T that I’m taking hasn’t pushed on anymore changes. To be honest, I feel like I’m slowly going back to how I use to be. I on;t say that because my voice seems to have gone back to it’s usually squeaky-ness. I suppose that’s ok because I won’t have to much to explain to my parents.
Though what has been confusing me lately, is the way that my ‘friends’/ ‘people I associate with’ have been referring to me as and the constant ‘we have to constantly refer to you as trans* because that is the way that you identify’ or ‘we’re going to extremly aware or unaware of your exsistence as a trans* person’.
To be honest, if people know that I’m trans* that is great. I appreciate that I have been accepted. Wonderful. After that, it’s like, just be humane or sit the fuck down. You don’t always have to be on your toes in an attempt to satisfy me for being different, or to attempt to sooth some need that you think that I have.
At the same time (which my friend did to me a few days ago) you don’t have to and should not tell the fucking world that I am trans* unless I told you to do so. Just because you’re on the phone with whoever, doesn’t mean that in your explanation of who I am you need to through in ‘she’s transgender’. I mean 1.) WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?? ; 2.) After explaining that I don’t see myself in any binary position-which I had to do in the most elementary method because they thought my hormones were basically steroid pills- why would you continue to call me she. It could be my voice so I probably shouldn’t complain.; 3.) Is this some kind of fucking game to you? Just because I identify as a certain way doesn’t mean that to other people you can refer to me as ‘a transgender’ -which I totally hate that way of talking about trans* people- why would you constantly call me ‘lady’ of ‘girl’ if I’ve said in the past that it bothers me? Why do I have to constantly remind my ‘friends’ that I don’t like to be called certain things because it pisses me off? Why is that so difficult to understand?; and lastly 4.) If I say, in an e-mail no less, that the name that I made up for myself is not what I want to be called, and my birth name is totally fine, why can’t you just call me by my birth name? Before, it was the hardest thing in the world for people to call me by my newer name -let alone spell it properly- only to have difficulty accepting that it’s totally fine to call me by my birth name. I mean, not only am I making things easier for you, which I shouldn’t have to, I’m also letting you feel that everything with me is the same that it has always been and you don’t have to treat me any differently. Not that they should have started treating me differently before I attempted to come out to them.
Basically I’m just annoyed with the whole ’ I’m going to treat you like a trans* person because that is what you identify as, and I’m just trying to be respectful of your identity’ bullshit. It’s like, who the fuck are you to just assume that all of the ‘nice’ things that you are doing are really helping me. I mean it’s such an American/ imperialist way of dealing with shit. I’m totally going to monopolize your life with the fantastic ideas that I’ve created about you in my own image to make you as comfortable as possible. Like, what? It isn’t enough that you’ve enslaved people like me only push me into your ideas of what I really should be doing for you, only generations later, have me read a dumbass article on how you apologize for not realizing that have so much privilege over me to begin with. Like what the fuck is that shit? What the fuck is this world? I’m so fed up with the fact that I need to bend over every time someone talks about trans* stuff at my college. I’m upset with the fact that my friends are somewhat insensitive to my reality because they won’t take the time out to consider my situation. They just watch me fester and wonder what is wrong when I stop talking in the middle of a conversation.
I’m silent because I’m pissed and it’s like I don’t have any friends at all, if I’m getting treated the way I’m being treated.
GAH!! Why must I do all this morning ranting, when I have so many other more important things to write for class….actually they aren’t that important because it’s all white privilege bullshit, cis privilege bullshit, and white lesbian/ radical feminism bullshit. Like I give a fuck about a bunch a bitches in America who can’t get their fucking rights together, when socially there is a bit more acceptance for you than there is for people like me. Like I should give a fuck about American bitches problems, when people in Russia are the equivalent of 1960s America in terms of homophobia, trans* phobia, and (possibly) sexual fluidity. Why the fuck should I care so much about America, when the rest of the world is having so many more issues.
oy…no more ranting…I have a presentation and a person to get rid of ><
Back to home work I guess…
It’s pretty sad and gross that so many people are still judgmental jerks towards others that they do not even know. Don’t worry! There are a lot of resources for you to educate yourself. Here is a brief rundown of some simple things to remember:
1. Gender is fluid. That…
